


Our Lives

by LadyBraken



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hugs, M/M, because our boys need them, mention of slapping Chakov's ugly face, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-13 03:43:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19243141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyBraken/pseuds/LadyBraken
Summary: Fuck our livesBoris turned towards Valery. He was leaning against the wall, his head down, his eyes hidden behind a falling lock of hair. His hands were gripping the edges of his sleeves in a way that Boris had often seen him do at Chernobyl.





	Our Lives

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the Valoris serveur and iam-da-vinci (on tumblr) for the editing.  
> I hope you will like it because writing it made me sadder than Chernobyl's puppies.

Ulana trew Valery a look before she went down the stairs. Boris glared right back, standing tall, a wall made man, between her and Valery. He is aware of how his shoulder are slightly bent, his head slightly forward, like a too-tall dog ready to bite. To her credit, Ulana didn’t step back for about five whole seconds. She just stared at him with these cold eyes of her. 

Her eyes reminded him of the ones of the people that still believed in the Party, during the war. The ones that didn’t hesitate to send themselves and others to death for what they believed in. 

Except that it wasn't any life Ulana was willing to sacrifice, it was  _ Valery's _ . 

Boris walked a few steps until the edge of the staircase, with the otherworldly need to make sure she was gone, to make she she wouldn't put more poison into their heads. 

 

_ Fuck our lives  _

 

Boris turned towards Valery. He was leaning against the wall, his head down, his eyes hidden behind a falling lock of hair. His hands were gripping the edges of his sleeves in a way that Boris had often seen him do at Chernobyl. He had seen this face before. The face of men - boys- knowing that they would die. That they would throw themselves to death. 

 

Horror sunk into Boris's chest. 

 

He was thinking of doing it.  _ He was thinking of doing it.  _

 

Boris stepped forward. 

 

"Valery." he warned. 

 

Valery took a deep, shaky breath, his hands clenching until his knuckles turned white. "It's the best thing to do." he said in a rush, his voice almost pleading, "I sent so many to their death, so many sacrificed themselves, it's only fair." 

 

"Valery, stop this." 

 

"I can't-- it has to stop, Boris. There's still so many reactors, someone have to do something, someone have to  _ tell… _ " 

 

Boris had heard enough. He stomped over and took Valery’s face between his palms, like he had done in what now seemed like a lifetime ago, trying to make the scientist look at him. He felt Valery’s jaw work under his palm. He was warm, too warm maybe, but the weeks at Chernobyl had taught Boris how to ignore the symptoms. “They’ll kill you for this.” he said, his voice maybe a bit rougher that usual. “They’ll kill you, Valery.” It was almost a whisper, so unlike his usual self, but the words were choked somewhere between his brain and his heart, and only his iron will managed to get them out. 

 

Valery rose his eyes to meet Boris’. The scientist was  _ trembling.  _ A thought broke through Boris’s mind. Unbidden, the image of Valery sprawled on the floor, skull open, brain on the wall, eyes dead,blank, with nothing left,  _ nothing- _

“My life doesn’t matter.” Valery breathed, putting his hand on Boris’ where it was still on his scarred cheek. “There’s no one waiting for me at home. I’m going to die anyway, it’ll just be a little quicker.” His hand squeezed Boris’, and he was looking at him like he had the time he had told him that they only had five years left, “My life doesn’t matter, Boris.”

And it was said with such heartbreaking sincerity, like these harsh scientific truths Valery always blurted, that Boris wanted to puke. He wanted to puke, to smash his fist in the wall, then to smash it in Ulana’s face ( _ fuck our lives- _ ), and then even give every fucker in Moscow a double view of the back of his shoe and the ground. But his face didn’t move.  _ He _ didn’t move. 

He slid one of his hand back, over the back of Valery’s head. “Look at me, Valera.”

Boris didn’t know if it was his voice or the nickname he had used, but Valery stilled, and for the first time since Ulana had left, they looked at each other in the eye. 

Boris’s thumb moved in a soft caress across the other man’s cheek. 

“You won’t die Valera.”

“Borja-”

“You won’t. This is an order. You are still needed here. What would happen if you did what you want to do, Valery?”

The scientist opened his mouth, but Boris didn’t give him the time to answer: “You will be killed. The west will know that the reactors don’t work as they should. At best, nothing changes here and we’re the laughing stock of the world. People die for it. At worst, someone try to use it to create an incident. Terrorists, americans, whomever.” then, quieter, “What will happen to me if you die, Valera? Because I don’t know what I’d do. I really don’t.”

He saw Valery’s eyes widening, and something like a smile, but not quite, tugging at the corner of his lips. Boris’ forehead touches Valery’s and they share a breath. 

It was the most precious thing, he knew.

A breath,  _ Valery’s breath _ .

Here, in this cold, grey staircase, against a decrepit wall of a deserted place, Valery gave him the greatest gift that Boris had never had in his life.

_ A breath. _

Valery’s arms slid against Boris’ chest and the next thing the man knew, he was held in a tight hug. He could feel Valery’s chest expanding with each breath, his heart beating against the other man’s chest. Valery was almost swallowed by Boris’ big cloak, hidden from the view. 

Where he should be.

After a second of hesitation, Boris held back. He held back tightly, his fingers almost gripping in a desperate attempt to stop time, to keep Valery here, now, with him, to stop his cells from disintegrating, to stop him from slipping away though his embrace. 

“I got you thousands of tons of borons. I got you fucking moon robots. You’re not dying on me after all that, Valera.”

“Alright.” Valery said with a shaky laugh, and Boris closed his eyes in painful relief. “Alright.”

Boris kissed the crown of Valera’s hair, breathing his sent. “You are important, Valera. Never forget that. No matter what happen, no matter what anyone do to you. You will always matter.”

A soft whimper and a shiver were his only answer. Boris held Valery tighter. 


End file.
